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Can I make you unbored?
Quiz published September 20, 2012 · 59 takers
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Okay, so I'm gonna put a joke here and a picture there --->
Now I will apoligize for this ONCE sorry if any jokes offend you and if I get any crap about how that it wasn't nice. Well I shouldn't cause I WARNED YOU AND SAID SORRY! I better not get any comments like that!
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. 

We don't live where we did when you left home. 

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. 

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. 

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. 

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. 

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. 

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. 

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. 

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Okay, so these jokes suck so I will do multiple ones and hope you like the picture,
What dog can jump higher than a building?
Anydog, buildings can't jump!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

This is such a short quiz I added a lot of questions on this one, sorry bout it being so short, maybe I'll add on later.

A fellow decides to go out drinking after work. At 2 a.m., they 

close the bar and he goes home plastered.
At home, he tip-toes up the stairs, trips, and falls head over heels, 
landing on his rear end. In his back pocket was a nearly empty pint 
bottle. It broke, and the broken glass cut him terribly. Being so 
drunk, he didn't realize he was injured.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he 
checked himself out in the mirror. He repaired the damage as best he 
could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. 
The next morning, his head was throbbing, and his injury was painful, 
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good 
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered 
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning 
and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
__________________________________________________ ___
A man sued his wife for divorce. He told the judge, "Your honor, my 
wife is so immature, she barges in while I'm taking a bath and sinks 
all my boats!"
__________________________________________________ ___
A man gave a party. This party was unusual in that the swimming pool 
was filled with live alligators.
The host called all the guests to the side of the pool and said that
he'd give anyone who dared to swim across the pool anything they wanted.
Of course no one took him up on his offer.
Later, the host and his guests heard a terrific commotion over by the 
pool and rushed over in time to see a man getting out of the other 
side of the pool.
The host shook the man's hand, saying, "I didn't think anyone would 
have the guts to try that! I'm a man of my word. What would you like?"
The guest replied, "All I want is the name of the SOB who pushed me in!"
__________________________________________________ ___
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In 
this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a
shot of tequila, then walk out to the balcony and jump off.
Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the process.
Another man in the bar watched this happen a number of times. 
Finally, curiosity got the better of him. He went up to the first man 
and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping
off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you
do it?"
"Well, the shot of tequila provides enough buoyancy so that when I get
near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You 
should try it."
The second man, who was also quite inebriated, thought to himself, 
"Hey, why not? If he can do it, so can I!" He went to the bar, 
ordered, and drank a shot of tequila. Having done as the first man 
said, he walked out to the balcony, jumped off, and, of course, was 
killed when he hit the pavement.
The bartender looked at the first guy, shaking his head, and said, 
"Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
__________________________________________________ ____
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.
When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him 
to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The 
Ten Commandments."
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook 
his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for 
saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after 
hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it."
The Minister asked, "Do you mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' 
changed your mind?"
"No," the old man said, "the one about adultery did. As soon as you 
said that I remember where I left my old hat!"
__________________________________________________ _____
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let 
him keep her."
__________________________________________________ _____
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers he would 
encounter walking along the side of the road. One day, as the truck 
driver drove along, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would
do a good deed and pulled over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church five miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck," said 
the dirver.
The priest , happy to be off his feet, climbed into the passenger seat 
and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking alongside the road and,
instinctively, he swerved to hit him. Remembering who was in the cab 
with him, he swerved at the last minute. Even though he was certain 
he missed the lawyer, he still heard an unmistakable thump
Turning to the priest, he said, "I'm 
sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

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