There is nothing wrong with the relationship that big brother and I have. We're best friends. He's mine, and I'm his. He protects me. Makes me feel better when I'm upset. We're together all the time. We're inseparable. Nothing can come between us. Not age. Not school. Not family. Not gender. Not blood. I do love my big brother, Eli.
I tear out the paper out of my journal after I write my last sentence. I re-read what I wrote, smile sadly, then rip it up into little, tiny pieces.
I feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders. The tightness in my chest, being released. The butterfly swarm stops. I feel better. I feel like I just told a secret and I didn't get judged about it. Well, I did only tell the true secret to myself and I didn't think any different about my feelings.
I lay back on my bed, still smiling. What has gotten me to be so happy? Is it that I just told the truth to myself? I've been thinking if for days now. Weeks even. I don't know why.
Why do I feel so fuzzy around Eli anyway? It doesn't make sense to me. I like girls for Christ sake. Not my older brother.
"Levi?" Eli comes into the room looking at me curiously. "Why are you in here all alone? Usually we would both be in here together," He sits nest to me on the bed after making his statement. "And why are there pieces of ripped paper on the bed?"
I quickly sit up and pick up the paper before Eli can get a hold of them. Some of the sentences are still noticeable.
"You should know. You were the one who told me about this therapy technique," I sigh and keep picking up the scraps of paper.
"What was it about this time, Levi?" Eli rubs my back and his voice becomes serious.
I feel all fuzzy. Why do I feel like this? I don't like him. He's just my older brother. Just barely older than me. He's seventeen years old, I'm fifteen. He's exactly one year, eleven months, and three days older than me. But who's counting?
"Nothing important," I say looking away from him while I finish cleaning up the paper mess.
He stays silent as I pick up the last piece of paper. I hop out of bed and throw away the paper with ink on them into the garbage can.
The fuzzy feeling left after I moved away from Eli. What does it mean? Am I just crazy?
"Clearly it was important if you were going to hurt yourself about it," Eli stretches his arms wanting a hug.
I smile and quickly scurry over to him and hug him tightly. That fuzzy feeling is back.
I know what makes me smile; Eli being such a good big brother to me. That's all he ever should be to me. A good big brother.
"Eli, it's nothing, really," The lie slips out of my mouth with a fake smile added to it as I hug Eli tighter.
"Levi, you better not be lying to me," Eli says and squeezes me tightly so my face is hidden in his chest.
I can feel my cheeks reddening once he did that. But since he can't directly see my face, I don't have to worry about him seeing my bright red cheeks.
I situate my body so I'm fully in his lap with my arms around his waist. I'm that small. Eli can even pick me up with one arm. I'm the light weighted short child. As for Eli, he's the tall and kind of muscular one. He can attract anybody with the way he looks.
"I'm not lying to you. Would I ever do that to you, big brother?" I mumble in his chest, loud enough so he can hear me.
"Yes, you would, actually. It's sad to think about," Eli chuckles at his own joke.
I pull out of his grip and glare up at him. I just noticed how I'm sitting on top of him is highly inappropriate. I'm straddling his waist, pressed up against him. But we've sit like this together before. Now I feel so weird. Like, more than a fuzzy feeling, like a buzzing ring. I wonder what Eli thinks of this position. Thank god I'm wearing jeans at at this moment.
"I wouldn't ever lie to you, Eli," I growl.
But, come to think of it, I realize that I would lie to him. I have before and of course, he never noticed. I only do that to keep Eli from getting hurt. It doesn't make sense of why I'm like this. Eli never lied to me, so why should I to him?
"Whatever you say, Levi," Eli leans back on the bed head board. "Just, you know you can tell me anything that's bothering you, right?" He slowly lowers his hands down from my neck, to my waist. I nod.
My face flushes. My stomach gets that tickling sensation when Eli grabs my waist with both of his hands. I hate this feeling. The fuzziness feeling is all over my body. I feel so uncomfortable, but I like it.
"I know," I smile sweetly, trying to forget the fact of how Eli is holding me.
"Then tell me what's wrong," He smiles back and pulls me closer to him.
Why is he doing this? He's making it seem like we're some couple about to cuddle or something. We're brothers for god's sake. He doesn't like me that way, and I don't like him that way either.
Now I'm just lying to myself.
But look at those stunning gray eyes. The annoying voice in the back of my head sings.
I have to admit, Eli has beautiful eyes. They look amazing in any kind of light, night or day. I love his gray eyes.
No, down't listen to that stupid voice! I think to myself.
And his amazing facial features and jaw dropping body structure. You know you love it. The voice coos.
Eli has a couple of times made me gasp, widen my eyes, or made my jaw drop to the floor in the past. When I would see him get dressed, or step out of the shower, I feel like I'm about to die. His body is amazing. He has the body of a model. The way he looks is gorgeous.
No! Stop thinking about this stupid stuff!
"It's you," I blurt out without even realizing what I said until I saw the look on Eli's face.
[PICTURE IS LEVI!]